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 Post subject: aDjuncts
PostPosted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 3:58 am 
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Dr. J
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Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2008 4:10 am
Posts: 301
Location: North Vancouver BC
a relative <b><i>perception</i></b>
this intimate dance of
adjuncts and quantum <i>f l u c t u a t i o n s</i>

poking and prodding
these open mouths, these tongues
these words, making light <i>bend</i>
these fires burning twice as bright
where stirs a glowing passion for me to burn again

death is a lover endlessly coming
<i>thrumming</i> the heart away
no need to fret, worry or muddle
cuddle her as I <i>lay</i>
fall into deep, infinite sleep
weep that I cannot stay

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I write upon realities slippery surface with this my pensive pen,
flowing into the resistance of existence - I ink therefore I am


Cogito-ergo-ZOOOM


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 2:03 pm 
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Rumblings From Olympus

Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2007 8:52 pm
Posts: 506
Location: in peat
You can call me an old-fashioned doddery if you like, but I just can not bring my self to read such atrocious script, it is childish in the extreme and the meaning of it totally escapes me.
Who is it meant to impress, because it certainly does not impress me one iota.

If I ever received a job application couched in such language, it would have gone straight in the bin, where I would imagine a great deal of your poetry goes too.

This is after all, “The Broiler”

Mor.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 3:01 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:50 pm
Posts: 1000
Consistency helps, but not as much as inconsistency hurts. There are commas, but no stops. I don’t mind that in theory, but unless you use line breaks to help your readers know how they might group your thoughts… Use commas or don’t, but when you don’t, consider using line breaks where your commas would be.

If this is not an original concept, I don’t see how you can be blamed for that. For me, cliché is found not in the subject, but in how the subject is expressed.

Beware of phrases like fires burning, glowing passion, death is a lover.

You could remedy the second example by dropping the predictable “passion.” That gives “glowing” more significance by turning it into a noun; meanwhile, passion is alluded to instead of said.

In “death is a lover endlessly coming” endlessly is a wasted adjective. Also, I think that “is” weakens the line. Both items together suck any freshness out of the idea.

In “cuddle her as I lay” the present tense of that verb is lie.

I think you’ve got something worth working with.

Allen


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 6:33 pm 
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Dr. J
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Thanks allen your points are well made -- the last strophe came out of an 83 KM zoom down a mountain with my bike -- sHe sang these lines in the last strophe as is with a smile on her face, such is the love of death

MOR -- thanks for enduring the read -- I imagine that your waste basket is much bigger than your heart and that you read poetry as a job application is a testament to your left brained dominance ( a darWINian artifact )-- you don't get subtle allusions unless you use the write brain

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I write upon realities slippery surface with this my pensive pen,
flowing into the resistance of existence - I ink therefore I am


Cogito-ergo-ZOOOM


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 5:56 pm 
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Rumblings From Olympus

Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2007 8:52 pm
Posts: 506
Location: in peat
I don’t know if it is worth the trouble reading your work, you appear to have a fixed idea on its excellence, which it would appear, is none negotiable.

Well, I wish you every success in telling others what they should like.

Having been in business for the best part of my life, I can not imagine any sensible person wishing to take up a franchise on your work.
I make very good money selling art, with or without the use of the left hand side of the brain.
I take little notice of artists who tell me how good their work is; I have to sell it.

Mor.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 1:06 am 
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Dr. J
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Location: North Vancouver BC
Mor wrote:
I don’t know if it is worth the trouble reading your work, you appear to have a fixed idea on its excellence, which it would appear, is none negotiable.

Well, I wish you every success in telling others what they should like.

Having been in business for the best part of my life, I can not imagine any sensible person wishing to take up a franchise on your work.
I make very good money selling art, with or without the use of the left hand side of the brain.
I take little notice of artists who tell me how good their work is; I have to sell it.

Mor.


That's my point Mor -- you use a spreadsheet to gauge Art -- that's paramountly what's wrong with this social addiction to economics -- economics does NOT get Art rather it GETS paid -- look around at Economies; they are not Ethical nor Moral nor Cultured -- they just drive around in circles of greed with a spreadsheet as their compass -- you'd do well as an accountant Mor -- I live simply without any need of greed as a cyberMonk I sweat on my bike and smile at children and grow a garden -- no need to prove anything as my goal is the infinite in not 'you win' -- a writer who doesn't need to be righter

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I write upon realities slippery surface with this my pensive pen,
flowing into the resistance of existence - I ink therefore I am


Cogito-ergo-ZOOOM


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 2:10 pm 
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Rumblings From Olympus

Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2007 8:52 pm
Posts: 506
Location: in peat
Well it is a view point, However all art has had its patrons, at least those who appear to have been successful that is.
How may thousands of poets and artists have slaved away in their little garrets enshrined in the belief that some day some one will recognise their true worth?

Until it comes to the point that all that is left for them is to paint over yesterday’s canvas.
I often buy art just for the frames; thankfully I have never dealt in poetry.

Mor.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 5:31 pm 
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Dr. J
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Location: North Vancouver BC
Mor wrote:
Well it is a view point, However all art has had its patrons, at least those who appear to have been successful that is.
How may thousands of poets and artists have slaved away in their little garrets enshrined in the belief that some day some one will recognise their true worth?

Until it comes to the point that all that is left for them is to paint over yesterday’s canvas.
I often buy art just for the frames; thankfully I have never dealt in poetry.

Mor.


Unless we are opposed, we don't develop strength. In nature we meet obstruction. In everything. Within us and outside us. Both internal nature and external nature are always giving us problems, obstacles to overcome, to make us stronger and stronger. Art is a strength, a response to duality ( opposition ) that arises out of a singular powerless power, forceless force that is Love for Loves sake ...

There is this famous ancient saying which you may know: four things come not back, the sped arrow, the spoken word, the opportunity lost and the time wasted. None of these things come back. So that is the final wisdom--

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I write upon realities slippery surface with this my pensive pen,
flowing into the resistance of existence - I ink therefore I am


Cogito-ergo-ZOOOM


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 9:18 pm 
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Head Bully
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Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2007 9:39 pm
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Quote:
Unless we are opposed, we don't develop strength.


Isn't that the whole idea behind most of these forums? Aren't we all just wizards trying to zap crap into gold? And, who knows, it may just happen, but the transformation has to go through the lead, iron, copper and silver stages first.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 9:04 pm 
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Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2009 7:40 am
Posts: 11
Well said, Bluejay. But when a wizard creates gold, everyone recognizes it as such, because that which constitutes gold is agreed-upon. We poets strive to create gold, only to have others tell us it's lead [or worse].

We feel we have gold inside us. Others tell us, "maybe not." And we keep working, as well as choosing how and how not to listen to those others.

To jeRRy, the author who set these words.... could you please include the authorship? I included quotation marks; did you quote them from someone in particular, or are they from your head primarily?

"Unless we are opposed, we don't develop strength. In nature we meet obstruction. In everything. Within us and outside us. Both internal nature and external nature are always giving us problems, obstacles to overcome, to make us stronger and stronger. Art is a strength, a response to duality ( opposition ) that arises out of a singular powerless power, forceless force that is Love for Loves sake ...

There is this famous ancient saying which you may know: four things come not back, the sped arrow, the spoken word, the opportunity lost and the time wasted. None of these things come back."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 9:39 pm 
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Dr. J
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Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2008 4:10 am
Posts: 301
Location: North Vancouver BC
Dagra wrote:
Well said, Bluejay. But when a wizard creates gold, everyone recognizes it as such, because that which constitutes gold is agreed-upon. We poets strive to create gold, only to have others tell us it's lead [or worse].

We feel we have gold inside us. Others tell us, "maybe not." And we keep working, as well as choosing how and how not to listen to those others.

To jeRRy, the author who set these words.... could you please include the authorship? I included quotation marks; did you quote them from someone in particular, or are they from your head primarily?

"Unless we are opposed, we don't develop strength. In nature we meet obstruction. In everything. Within us and outside us. Both internal nature and external nature are always giving us problems, obstacles to overcome, to make us stronger and stronger. Art is a strength, a response to duality ( opposition ) that arises out of a singular powerless power, forceless force that is Love for Loves sake ...

There is this famous ancient saying which you may know: four things come not back, the sped arrow, the spoken word, the opportunity lost and the time wasted. None of these things come back."


remember there is fools gold before we ever get to the real nuggets -- yes, you're right Dagra about quotes 'n such -- that last is a semi-quote I've recalled from an Arhat I travelled with in India back in 2001 ( walking, Auto-Rickshaw, trains 'n planes throughout that ancient land ) -- not everyone recognizes either Gold or Saints! However both exist if you've the eyes to see them --

"Few people can see genius in someone who has offended them."
- Robertson Davies


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