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Slabo day for the pacifist

Post for light, positive commentary: unfinished or unserious poems, poetry by others, by beginners, etc.

Slabo day for the pacifist

Postby kjb on Sun Nov 16, 2008 2:54 am

Slabo day for the pacifist

Rivers often change their course,
though you may not see it in a lifetime.

The Magpie nailed me.
It was like being swiped aside with the flat head
of a claw hammer. I’m down on one knee
trying to stem the flow of bloody thoughts.
Axe, fire, poison, and gun
that black and white terror down.

A small stick, here at hand,
becomes a ninja star knife
travelling with cartoon speed as
the pied marauder rolls into another
low level swoop. Bastard! It wants to
finish me off.

Fortune favours the vicious
and karma is its own reward.
My darkness glowed with pleasure
as the bird spun and wheeled
into the distance.
Eventually, shaking the stick free
from its feathers.

My river run has become
a time of calm reflection,
leaving me to wonder
exactly what it is,
that the meek are going to inherit.


I'd appreciate any opinions as to whether this works as a poem or should i just try and write it out as prose.


:argh! :pissed: :mrgreen:
Last edited by kjb on Mon Nov 17, 2008 12:54 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Postby Kayv on Sun Nov 16, 2008 6:43 am

I think it works fine as a poem. I'd suggest in the end stanza
getting rid of that period so it's a little easier to understand.

My river run has become
a time of calm reflection,
leaving me to wonder[.]
Exactly what it is,
that the meek are going to inherit.
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Postby kjb on Sun Nov 16, 2008 12:49 pm

Kayv. Good idea, and thanks for the thumbs up.
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Postby bluejay on Sun Nov 16, 2008 9:04 pm

I think its works as a poem. A few thoughts:

L2--I think you could drop single.



It was like being sideswiped with the sharp edge


It was like being swiped aside by the flat head

S3L1--comma after hand

S3L5--a period after swoop, then an emphatic Bastard!


S4L3--drop dark inner-self and just say my darkness. readers will know it is your inner-self
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Postby kjb on Mon Nov 17, 2008 12:50 am

Bluejay. I like the cuts of your jib.
Still undecided about 'by' for 'with' in line 4, 'by' goes squish inside my head.
The sound doesn't seem right. But i'll ponder it a while more.
Thanks a bunch.
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