FreeWrights Peer Review™

A new day! The first day! The light flows in!
Not knowing where I’m going, nor knowing where I’ve been,
What joy! What pain! What beauty of life!
Life?
Yes, I think this must be,
And yet the thought of it seems too daunting to contemplate,
I must rest for a while; I have time to wait.

A new day! so many days! Life is so carefree!
To frolic and play for all eternity,
So much to do! So much left to live!
To live?
Yes I think I must be,
For what is living if not this,
To spend your life in unending bliss.

A new day, the last day, the light fades out,
Not knowing where I’m going, no people about.
What joy, what pain, what beauty of life,
Life?
Yes, I think this must be,
And yet, the thought of it seems too daunting to contemplate,
I must rest for a while; I have time to wait.

The title tells the reader what to think the poem means; I think that's a mistake, much like telling when to view something as ironic.

Also, I think there's far too much of the abstract--joy, pain, beauty, unending bliss--and nothing new or thought-provoking.

Allen

thx for the advice. the title is meant to be ambiguous though. While no doubt you prob have an idea of what The Great Misconception is, I think it is really left open to multiple interpretations, at least the way I viewed it when writing it it is. I think the initial reaction is that life being full of beauty and wonder is a misconception to the speaker of the poem, as he obviously sees things from a much bleaker perspective at the end than at the beginning. Of course The Great Misconception could be that we seem to always think we have time to wait to come to terms with our mortality before we die, especially true of the young, but perhaps equally true of the elderly. Of course The Great Misconception could be that we interpret the poem in either of the other two ways. Being that the speaker at the end still feels he has time to wait while on his death bed, to me leaves open the possibility that the poem serves to take away death's power by suggesting that perhaps the speaker continues on in another life after death. This death could just be the death of this body, leading to another rebirth, or birth in another form, but with the overall theme that everything that exists today has always existed, and we really are not confined to just 70 some odd years to come to terms with our mortality.

The poem can mean whatever one wants it to, and if one takes it at first glance I think the title may seem obvious, but my intention was that it seem obvious when in reality quite open to debate.

I appreciate that you would defend your poem and intentions--you should, because in doing so you may illuminate your critic or you might see (maybe later than sooner) that those ambiguous ideas you would express have not yet been given the words they deserve. I have taken another look and, even after your explanation, remain unmoved . Ambiguity is not "in" these days, yet I remain its staunch supporter. But to me this is not ambiguity; it's smoke. You may know what you mean to imply, but as yet you've only given abstraction.

By the way, welcome to FPR!

Allen

I will take your suggestions into consideration. I am glad you didn't take my response as overly defensive or as outright disagreement, just an attempt to clarify. I am new to poetry so any advice is always appreciated. I posted my first poem, "The Esoteric Leaf of Grass", on the medium well board. It seems this board attracts more traffic so I will probably post on here from now on, but if you wouldn't mind taking a look at that one as well I would appreciate feedback.

I don't think there's any problem with disagreeing with a critic. That doesn't stunt our writing abilities as does a refusal to consider what the critic has said. I have initially disagreed with members of this very site, only to come back days, weeks, or even months later to find that they were right. That's why I come here. I hope that you, too, will rake through, find and make your own use of available nuggets of wisdom--and help us understand when and why we're off the mark. It's tricky business, but worthwhile.

Allen

jpn, welcome and thanks for jumping right in. Sorry for not getting to this sooner.

Some thoughts, from my perspective, on trimming this. Take what you will, if there is anything of value in it.


A new day! A first day! The light flows in!
Not knowing where I’m going, nor where I’ve been,
What joy! What pain! What beauty of life!
Life?
Yes, I think this must be,
And yet it seems too daunting to contemplate,
I must rest for a while; I have time to wait.

A new day! So many days, carefree!
To frolic and play for eternity,
So much to do! So much to live!
To live?
Yes I think life must be,
For what is living if not this,
To spend life in unending bliss.

A new day, a last day, the light fades out,
Not knowing where I’m going, no people about.
What joy, what pain, what beauty of life,
Life?
Yes, I think this must be,
And yet it seems too daunting to contemplate,
I must rest for a while; I have time to wait.

what u say about life , its uncertainity and the thought of death approaching any moment attracted me so much to ur piece of work.. i loved it. looking forward to more of it.
jain.

I have belonged to a faith that really emphasizes life after death for over 30 years, but I am not convinced. The older I get the less I believe in it, or I should say, I have less of a need to believe in it. I believe in life, it is something I know. If there is life after death, I don’t care. It is not something that makes me do anything different while I am alive. To me the great misconception is to feed a need for life after death. Because I don’t think people would behave any better if they were certain about the benefits of another life, with the prospect of a hell or a heaven as dwelling places.

I think Allen is right, this is too abstract. I ask myself if this has a complete story. Then I ask myself what has been used to develop the story and the answer is: abstraction. There is nothing concrete here.