FreeWrights Peer Review™

I am a cobweb
drifting
high winds of you
cradling your child
lift me into the drunken clouds
that spilled their whiskey on us

I dreamt of you
in sleep that whooshed
through my hair
and made my blood pop
pronounced dead when I woke up

our bridge, that darkness in it's slow waltz once embraced,
is covered with tourists now
do you remember running to it
in tall grass
we wrapped around our bodies
camoflaged and sweating
two soldiers fighting the August haze
sun in the still trees
gone from us
held captive forever in the mighty green

and I shake through these verses
crawl through the weeds
do you remember embracing me
in my sweat, paint chipping mind?

the wooden planks of distance
from our bridge
are slightly covered with moss
all that's alive of us

Drifting feels peaceful, while high winds suggest conflict; I think this alternating soft-then-hard--which runs throughout the poem--is very effective.

In line 6 the pronoun personifies your clouds, which implies there’s more than two involved; that quick allusion to outside forces adds interest.

These descriptions could be my own, from my youth. I was reading along, sneaking through my own tall grass, when “paint chipping mind” jarred me out of my reverie. I’m sure it means something important to the characters in the poem, but to me it only manages to distract.

The end strophe is predictable, and yet, to me, it is satisfying.

Allen

My biggest bumps are the line breaks and the form. Specially in the first six lines. Just a thought for you to consider.

Sergio