FreeWrights Peer Review™

Online Writers' Workshop

Skip to content


Welcome
Welcome to <strong>FreeWrights Peer Review™</strong>.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free, so please, <a href="/profile.php?mode=register">join our community today</a>!

Spatial sense

Tougher critique without any charring.
Post a reply

Spatial sense

Postby Abilene on Mon Jun 01, 2009 10:17 pm

The fire that distroys you
Ignites my world
The smoke signals
Evoke songs in me
Smoke signals
Sent home for approval
Leave me waiting on forever
With the ash of my fire
I paint my world
With the embers that spark
I quench my desires
As these insightful fits
Keep me warm through the elongated nights...
Past my spatial sense
Past superficial desires....
:123 :123 :123
User avatar
Abilene
 
Posts: 47
Joined: Sun Feb 08, 2009 4:49 am
Location: Moutain West
Top

Postby bluejay on Tue Jun 02, 2009 2:14 am

should be destroys

I am seeing some internal rhyme and good sounds developing here, but the meaning is a little muddled to me.

Other little things to watch, in line 7 you don't need to say "waiting on forever" when "waiting forever" is enough. Also, In such a short poem you use smoke signals, world and desires twice. Try for some different words. Thanks for posting.
User avatar
bluejay
Head Bully
 
Posts: 856
Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2007 9:39 pm
Top
Post a reply

Return to Medium Well

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests

Donate Now
Donate Now
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Hosted by FreeForums.org | Create a free forum

cron