FreeWrights Peer Review™

Sonnet in blue #7

I stole a fleeting moment from your life
To cherish with the things I locked away
Yet never would I spare a single breath
To speak the precious things I had to say

But follow with some parchment brown and dry
In hope the words I speak are worthy of
Committing to the testament of lies
As one who lost his reason to your love

If we must give eternity its fun
And never speak aloud of this again
I’ll lay my shadow down forever dumb
And leave it to exploit this final pain

Procrastinate forever with a smile
Deny the lasting journey every mile

Tough to knock on something like this. Well done.

Jim, you've handled the meter nicely and that's always a pleasure to encounter but that near-rhyme (fun/dumb) in the third stanza seems completely out of place, and the third line in that stanza is quite awkward. I don't know how much you want in the way of workshopping so I'll leave it for the time being but I suppose we'll find out as time passes what you're up for -- until then, maybe you could just think about an alternative to L3.

But then, I am a total sonnet nazi so I probably should just back off...

I think sonnets are the most versatile of all poetic formats. Though it must be said I am not a great lover of Shakespearian sonnets.

This one I found read quite well, though whether it could said to be Shakespearian is open to debate. I liked the capital letters at the beginning of each line; it makes such a change from the pathetic and current schoolboy small letter usage. I note the total lack of puntutation.

I must try that some time; it appears to work well for you.

Mor.

bluejay wrote:Tough to knock on something like this. Well done.

Thank you bluejay,

Nice to be in the head bully's good books

TC
jim

Leanne wrote:Jim, you've handled the meter nicely and that's always a pleasure to encounter but that near-rhyme (fun/dumb) in the third stanza seems completely out of place, and the third line in that stanza is quite awkward. I don't know how much you want in the way of workshopping so I'll leave it for the time being but I suppose we'll find out as time passes what you're up for -- until then, maybe you could just think about an alternative to L3.

But then, I am a total sonnet nazi so I probably should just back off...

Hi Leanne,

I'm a big boy, so I'm pretty much up for anything that gets thrown my way.
I'm afraid when it comes to near rhyme I'm guilty as charged. Its often put there deliberately, and have often got into trouble for it

TC
jim

Mor wrote:I think sonnets are the most versatile of all poetic formats. Though it must be said I am not a great lover of Shakespearian sonnets.

This one I found read quite well, though whether it could said to be Shakespearian is open to debate. I liked the capital letters at the beginning of each line; it makes such a change from the pathetic and current schoolboy small letter usage. I note the total lack of puntutation.

I must try that some time; it appears to work well for you.

Mor.

Hi Mor,

Shakespearian sonnet? Probably not quiet, but will keep trying

TC
jim

Jim, it's not near rhyme per se that bothers me, I actually kind of like it on occasion to break up the possible stiffness of a sonnet -- it's just that it's the only one you've used and it sticks out, where I believe that rhyme should be relatively unobtrusive and natural-seeming. But since you have "I’ll lay my shadow down eternal dumb", a rather convoluted sentence syntax-wise, the rhyme (near-rhyme) seems forced. You could maybe employ a fairly easy fix by saying "I'll lay my shadow down forever dumb" if you wanted.

Leanne wrote:Jim, it's not near rhyme per se that bothers me, I actually kind of like it on occasion to break up the possible stiffness of a sonnet -- it's just that it's the only one you've used and it sticks out, where I believe that rhyme should be relatively unobtrusive and natural-seeming. But since you have "I’ll lay my shadow down eternal dumb", a rather convoluted sentence syntax-wise, the rhyme (near-rhyme) seems forced. You could maybe employ a fairly easy fix by saying "I'll lay my shadow down forever dumb" if you wanted.

Hi Leanne,

You know what? I think your right. So I have made your suggested change.

Thanks for the help here Leanne.

TC
jim

Jim. Welcome to the site.

S1 gave me trouble at first, an I in each line, 3 tos and 2 things. The word structute didn't appeal to me until i tried singing the verse. Now i can appreciate it.

S2 and S3 work fine for me.

Not convinced that 'Procrastinate' or 'Deny' are the best word choices but i have no alternatives to offer you.

cheers
k

I thoroughly enjoyed the entire thing. Funny though, I kept looking at the third stanza, trying to figure out why Leanne had issues with it, then finally get to where she offered up a solution, which you used. Finally saw why I couldn't see it. (small eye roll)

Diane