FreeWrights Peer Review™

I am frozen
a mineral
a fear tumor

my mind seeping snippets of Johnny Cash
and her curled against the wall
who will consume me

little boy in the
onion grass

I drift into fortune and
persuaded by hail storms
I need to know only the silence between
nuggets of ice

rooms are motionless, hazy
build me an alter
of cardinals and wet grass
open fields, a dog in the crest of a wave
I am a sparrow without white
only dried mud
my bearings at the foot of the cross

hear my gait
my stripped, bare mind

The first three lines here are great. A strong hook that yanks me in, then it all goes to nonsense (for me as the reader, not necessarily nonsense for or from you :) )
I guess some odd phrasing:

and her curled against the wall
who will consume me

almost sounds like the wall will consume you.

Then it moves to the obscure:

I drift into fortune and
persuaded by hail storms
I need to know only the silence between
nuggets of ice

Then it just seems to ramble wildly through all kinds of thoughts and things:

rooms are motionless, hazy
build me an alter
of cardinals and wet grass
open fields, a dog in the crest of a wave
I am a sparrow without white
only dried mud
my bearings at the foot of the cross

I realize that some of it can be me as the reader not picking up something that I should. Sorry to rip into it like this, on your first post, but isn't that why you joined us? So you can get some idea of the impact it has on a reader.

Hope you are not offended and will post again soon. I always enjoy digging in, whether the piece has something for me or not.

BTW, welcome!

Welcome to FPR! I really enjoyed reading your first Broiler offering.

This reads to me as a stream of conciousness, vaguely related thoughts strung together with conjunctions. There are also some very workable images in this. The following is particularly moving:

rooms are motionless, hazy
build me an alter
of cardinals and wet grass
open fields, a dog in the crest of a wave
I am a sparrow without white

If this feeling could be maintained throughout I wouldn't care, as a reader, what it all is supposed to mean.

Allen

I, too, enjoyed the slightly surrealist feel of this and agree with Allen on the "rooms are motionless" stanza (although "altar" is the correct spelling). To my mind this is the actual crux of the poem and I feel it's being hidden somewhat by the preceding lines ("I drift into fortune... nuggets of ice"). Were it my poem I'd actually just get rid of that part altogether.

I share Bluejay's confusion about that hungry wall though :) A bit of punctuation would help you a whole lot -- if you're not keen on punctuation, use your line breaks or alter the order of the words, perhaps to something like:

and curled against the wall
she
who will consume me

This is an interesting beginning, and some editing will probably see it end up a great poem.