FreeWrights Peer Review™

her hair is hair.
and i could put the moon
inside the bell and let it
strike bronze, let quiver
air

like long exhale,
as the clowns from Subiaco
fight like red balloons
against the silver string
and child's hand.

and i could whisper to her
of shampoo and conditioners,
and of secret longings
and bathtub bubbles

but she is cast in bronze
and i, am cast in air.

a good read, this one.

yes, it has its problems...i think mostly in the form of conjunctions but i am, or was, pleased with this one.

thanks for reading as ever mr. steve.

andrew. wrote:yes, it has its problems...i think mostly in the form of conjunctions but i am, or was, pleased with this one.

thanks for reading as ever mr. steve.

Then how about if you got rid of most of the and's and but's??? I think it would read the better for the lack of them, viz.--

her hair is hair.
i could put the moon
inside the bell, let it
strike bronze, let quiver
air

like long exhale,
as the clowns from Subiaco
fight like red balloons
against the silver string
and child's hand.

i could whisper to her
of shampoo and conditioners,
of secret longings
and bathtub bubbles

but she is cast in bronze
and i am cast in air. [did not need the comma in this line]

Good luck, andrew.

Chris