FreeWrights Peer Review™

Her stubborn submission
dazed and drizzled him.
What to do with such a
white ass, such a silent
presentation? Hotel rooms
are mercenaries; they are paid
to hold secrets. Chambermaids
perform a service:

on your knees, cunt.
Open, clamp, suck, shut
intake, swallow, praise, walk.

I'm in love with an oak door;
it knows how to open slowly.
It knows when to close.

*

Some excellent ideas, and the final strophe is -- I think -- perfect (almost a poem in itself, actually).

The first line reads awkwardly to me, but the stumble doesn't entirely detract so I don't know if I'd suggest any change at all. I do wonder if you'd consider ending both the third and fourth lines on "such" to let them hang a little and build some more anticipation. Also, I don't know whether "withhold" works any better than just "hold".

This is confrontational but addresses a very commonly occurring, rarely discussed scenario.

Fine and dandy by me. Any way to shorten the one oddball-length line, or is it intentional?

banditfemme wrote:on your knees, cunt.
Open, clamp, suck, shut
intake, swallow, praise, walk.

you say so much in these three lines.
delightful.

Leanne and Bluejay,

I like your suggestions and will implement them surreptitiously.

Raskolnikov

submissives are so stubborn and one-word orders are tersely graphic.

Thank you for your time and attention, poets


bandit