FreeWrights Peer Review™

On the day I should have proposed we marry


the symphony was playing in the Garden—
Berlioz, I think—when gravity called it a day.

The sky, so close, was the first to shuffle
into space. Elder couples, clutching blankets
and absurd picnic baskets, tumbled beneath us—

taut smiles on their faces. Tomorrow—Earth,
a centrifuge—more deeply rooted things would
break and follow—migrating monuments.

But prone and linked in newly weightless grass
we’d risen first—resembling the turning bud
of a skydiving rose. Tympani and cello rested;

the bassoonist, squinting, looked up, still sipping
her double reed, and though you would bring
stemware and wine, I’d leave the modest ring behind.

Hello allen

Fabulous poem with a fine sense of motion and magic throughout. Very well done. I like the way the rootedness that is mentioned is not "fixed" and how everything seems to be in play, from monuments to people. Everything seems possible and somehow ominous and engaged. Nice. A number of arresting images such as "migrating monuments" and the bassoonist "sipping her double reed" -- you could have said the bassoonist "sipping his double reed" but the female gender feels exactly right.

One tiny nit. I am not sure of the contraction in the title. I would incline to write out as "On the day I should have proposed we marry". The poem is important and I think you should honor it with expressing the title straightforwardly and more clearly.

Good luck with this fine poem, Allen.

All the best

Chris

Thanks for the encouragement, Chris, especially for the specifics.

I hadn't given much thought to the effect of the contraction. Thanks for that, too.

Allen

Allen this poem really does appeal, S2 is the weakest for me, I'm thinking Berlioz and opium, or are you alluding to something in one of his compositions? either way the surrealism doesn't work for me.

allen wrote:On the day I should have proposed we marry


the symphony was playing in the Garden— great opening
Berlioz, I think—when gravity called it a day. sounds tired to me. why not. when gravity lost its sway,

The sky, so close, was the first to shuffle
into space. Younger couples, clutching blankets
and absurd picnic baskets, tumbled beneath us—

dumb looks on their faces. Tomorrow—Earth, i like this
a centrifuge—more deeply rooted things would
break and follow—migrating monuments.

But prone and linked in newly weightless grass this is excellent
we’d risen first—resembling the turning bud
of a skydiving rose. Tympani and cello rested;

the bassoonist, squinting, looked up, still sipping good finish
her double reed; and though you would bring
stemware and wine, I’d leave the modest ring behind.

oops

Thanks for the visit, Ken.

If I see an idiom used in a poem and the reason for it is not apparent, I’ll question it too. I used “called it a day” in conjunction with and for a similar reason as “Berlioz, I think.” I don’t want to sound like a music aficionado who was there for the music, per se. I want to show blue collar earthiness.

S2 is meant to show how when two people are only focused on each other, they are the only ones who appreciate the moment; the people around them can not comprehend.

Reasons aren’t always valid or enough, so you may well be right, but I’ll see if others agree with you before I change anything. I often need to step away for a while before I can see things more clearly. Maybe I need bifocals.

Allen

Allen, I am wondering if you need "we marry" in the title?
The only other issue for me is S3L1, the word "dumb" seems to throw a childish comment into an otherwise sophisticated piece.

Steve,

I probably don't need marry in the title.

With dumb, I was going for flippant--don't even remember why, really. I'm not in love with it, so I'll take another look at that.

Thanks.

Allen

I go away and you post a very surreal poem, Allen. And it is top notch. At first I found the transition from line 1 to the surreal lines 2 strange. But I kept reading and by the end I had a lot of excuses for the poem. But good topped all of them. I thought this is one of those poems I would read to my grandchildren, when they became engaged. I'd tell them: you either feel like this, or don;t get married. Great job Allen.

Sergio

That you would consider doing that is the greatest complement of all. Thank you, Sergio.

Allen

nice -- the image of 'gravity' and 'marriage' as a 'ball-and-chain' concept makes this Poem rumble in our fears of being tied to the inevitable folly of tradition and the Laws of the Universe -- it's a relative dance to the frequencies of scale: Planet to Planet, Star to Star, Galaxies and Dark matter revolving in deep space keeping pace to their own law of falling into each other in time and space matters like lovers tumbling into the gaping hole of gravity with each other -- I'd imagine dear Wittgenstein with a black hole in his head bending the light with his insight -- while Mystics/Poets have this black-hole in their hearts falling toward the infinite-in where they dance rings around the law of falling but cannot seem to catch-up with the times -- nevertheless your Poem gives weight to these modest rings - nicely writ with a sense of wit askew of the norm Allen

in our measure of time there are curious circles filling our days, numbered moments marked by the scars of transiting lights, heavens moguls of tribulation 'n plight, that give or take away -- though I spend my time, circling the horizon of my mind, seeking her in time 'n space matters, a congruence of my need, she is on the face of it, a timeless piece, a swinging pendulum of rhythms sway, a clock that circumscribes my day, and for every second of my night, takes my breath as I watch her lay

Thanks for sharing your take on this, Jerry. I really enoyed and appreciated it.

Allen