FreeWrights Peer Review™

looking at myself from here. inside back out. across a road that never straightened. not
wanting to meet what I’ve become. too many splits and untidy ends – a cat’s life scratched
on pavement. recurring life-dream …dead man’s walking walk …burning these ninety miles…

trees bend prayers, grass outgrows welcome… challenge loses days as night rejects silence.
… dream dreamless dance … burn ninety miles …

smile acceptance half smile
claws rage pages
cracks discovery fingertips
falsely history written
[yes, cool that smile, slice it cool
chill the loss, wash blood in the rain]

years like ribbons
put away for next season’s gift to save time…

another morning shave… hoping for a slip of courage. [thinking…if I could only slice a hole in
the throat and pull out the tongue… feel closer to the sound. I can already see the classic
…”Scarecrow in Bleeding Glass”…]. but I only wipe the yearning, smooth the surface to hide
the murder.

the end is the shock that never comes.

calendar figures remind me in nines. ten years curve back of the mind, cutting corners into
circles. the room is 10 by 12 & 10 x 9 is 90. formulating a single design = measuring weight
for distance. but Nine stands alone. casting shadows too large to define… remember forget,
forget remembering forgetting…memory scrapes inscriptions off the wall.

promise spits a lion’s yawn
an orgasm waiting to happen
laughter chokes ravens
[shadow-play the part, the sun’s in your eyes!
death pumps out blood
pounds victory on the keys!]

numbers bury the bones
words kill the time…

stolen moments before the parade… muted sounds standing still. midnight dance at the
outcasts ball – burning candles in empty lanterns, a spot in the light turned too far away.
play road warrior, dig asphalt both directions ninety miles… burning the road between the
lines.

Bernard, I've too much of a headache presently to give this the going-over it deserves so I'll return, but I couldn't really just breeze through and not say anything (useful or otherwise). I am generally not a fan of prose-poetry fusion in this manner, although I do advocate it strongly because when it's done well (as it so rarely is), it's exceptional. So the reason I had to say something here is because you do it very bloody well, as I'm sure you're aware since you're clearly no newcomer to poetry. (See, told you I had a headache that was clouding my ability to think clearly...)

In your first paragraph/stanza/strophe/ whatever you want to call it, I find the full stops a little overused. Normally I'd suggest line breaks but that would completely destroy what you're doing, so instead maybe a semi-colon or two would remove the overly staccato feel -- I don't think you can have blocks of text interspersed with lines of poetry and attempt to use both for rapid delivery, that would make the format shifts rather redundant.

I do think "dream dreamless" is borderline hackneyed, something quite overused particularly in the gothic/emo poetry scene (if such can be said to exist). "falsely history written" is grammatically confused and I don't think such confusion really adds much at all. The ellipsis after "save time" actually makes that sound a little cliched as well. You'd be better served with no end punctuation there at all.

"slip of courage" is a great phrase. The ellipsis after "thinking" in that same line really would be better as a colon, you do overuse ellipses in that section.

You should really watch phrases like "waiting to happen" -- too often they make a phrase sound cliched or trite.

I really like the nine motif and I'd love to go more deeply into your symbology but I just don't have the brain power at the moment.

Hello Bernard

A slice of life, a dance of metaphors, casually handled -- striking and interesting. Nicely handled throughout. Well done. This one could go on to IBPC in case you care to enter it in the IBPC thread. In any case good luck with this fine piece, Bernard.

I accept what Leanne said that there is a bit of the heard-before in the informal conversational tone, although I think what at first seems a phrase herd elsewhere is in each instance given a new twist that makes it fresh once more.

All the best

Chris

I’ve visited this poem each of the last three days. I feel like there are references I’m missing. 9’s run through the poem in a dream-like way--even the cat implies 9. You are one in-touch-with-his-subconscious guy. Maybe you don’t even have a subconscious as I know it.

I can’t come up with any nits that might have any relevance to you:

The format is more progressive than my limited view would allow in a poem of my own, but I do appreciate how you do it. For me, longer lines give a wider view of the scene; following that reasoning, the lines are long and short where they need to be.

And I keep coming back. Why? There’s something about this that I find familiar, and that something is in the beginning. That’s the best place for it to be, because it makes me want to see how the owner of this voice handles it--not at all like me, but fascinating.

Allen

...and all this with a headache! (I can't help thinking how provocative you must be without one...hmmmm...oh, sorry I was day dreaming). But then that's the problem, since I have no idea what's going on. It took me a while to find out what the ellipsis were (oh! you mean the dots!).

see what you're dealing with - what a poor example of craftsmanship.

I'm completely out of it: haven't seen television in over 10 years (don't even own one), don't read the papers or anything else for that matter (definitely not as well read as all of you - done with my reading a long time ago), hate semi colons (they don't know what they want to be), have no clue about gothic, eco thing or anything hip or the now in any form or speech. But it's bound to happen, since every thing's been said in one way or another, that something will come out as ordinary...particularly, if you're as clueless as I am.

I'm just a raggedy, clangy one-man band; not that I don't listen to what's said - I let it roll and stretch inside and sometimes I'll re tune the notes, but I tune it to the inside, not to the ear...but I can imagine what it must sound like on the outside. In fact, based on an item you mentioned, I came up with a better line because it put me back there...which is why these type of comments are beneficial: keeps it alive once it's gone - spontaneous accident, which is the way it goes for me...the feeling and the form just wrap themselves.

I appreciate your thoughts and kindly comments, and thank you sincerely in showing so much interest, Leanne...headache and all.

Hello Chris. I appreciate your thoughtful words and the details in which you mention them. Thank you for your consideration in regards to this piece and the encouraging manner expressed. I'm grateful, kind sir...as well as the time taken on my behalf.

Take care.

Bernard

Thank you, Allen, for taking so much interest - but three straight days! It's hazardous to your mental health; I feel the need to discourage this as I feel responsible. You're right: the beginnings are where the clues are, the rest is just picking up the trail. In a way, I'm an anti-poetry guy and like to see something quite contrary to mine...after all, we all know the same things, it's how we choose to distort them as to untangle its meaning. Thank you, Allen, for the kind thoughts and keen observations. Enjoyed your company.

I really like this kind of cross genre writing or fusion/ You have done a great job. I have a few and they are not quit coming together yet so I can appreciate when it is done with a great deal of talent. You have a very original voice.

Sergio