FreeWrights Peer Review™

My wish for this poem is to take people into the war torn worlds of our vets and to humanize their responses to war.

Let's bring our soldiers home

There are some who served this country
Who never really came home.
They remain locked up
In lost worlds,
Prisoners behind bars—
Bars of addiction
Bars of pain
Bars for bureaucracy’s gain.

We can bring these soldiers home,
Bring their nightmares
To an end.
Addictions can be cured;
The healing can begin!

They’d do much more for us.
Let’s take a stand for them!
No soldier left behind.
The healing can begin.

They must not be forgotten.
Some gave all
So that we might be.
Some gave their lives,
Their health,
Their sanity.

What you give us here are truisms. Platitudes do not make good poetry. Your wish is noble, but you would do better to approach this subject from a more personal place. Who do you know who's served and has died, or lost a limb, or suffers in some other way? What feelings does his/her suffering stir up in you? Take us on that trip of self-discovery. In doing that you may lead readers to discoveries of our own. That would be a contribution. That would be poetry.

Allen

Thanks for your insight. Truly helpful.

With this particular piece my desire was to reach out and stir up an awesome awareness in my reader's, not to write good poetically correct poetry. Most people in the world do not read/listen to poetically correct poetry anymore. My wish is to write emotionally stirring/thought provoking poetry and to open up the windows of the soul to a greater understanding. Sometimes I succeed at that and sometimes I don't.

It's not painting by numbers; what is correct "poetically" is that which is effective in reaching, having a lasting effect on readers. Poetry is a craft. Art is mastery of craft. Citing what is already known and accepted is highly unlikely to result in a stirring of emotions--that's just the way it is.

It may be that many who enjoy reading poems don't know what it is they like about it, though I strongly doubt it--most who enjoy poetry are students of poetry. But let's say they don't care and that it's all smoke and mirrors: still, there is definitely something, some trick, or anyone could do it, right?

Once you've learned the craft you can break "rules," like Dickenson, to achieve specific goals, but first you should consider learning what the rules are, and why they became rules.

Allen

I like the concept you are trying to explore, and I think I probably share some of your sentiments, as far as being more concerned with evoking a feeling than being a martinet for structure; however, I agree with Allen on this, and do think there is merit to learning the craft, even if just on a minor scale. I like what the poem attempts and I understand the emotion you are trying to capture, but I didn't feel as moved or impassioned after reading this poem as its subject warrants. I too believe that finding a way to make this poem more personal would help it tremendously: either by referencing some specific experience you have with it, or perhaps putting the reader in the shoes of a soldier, or parent waiting for their child to come home. Again we all know that war is undesirable, that people suffer, some never come home, some give "all", etc. These facts alone do not make a great poem though, but by elaborating on them, making them personal, and signifying them in such a way that grabs hold of the reader and forces them to take notice they can. This is what Allen meant by truisms, which are used in a trite manner.

As I write this to you I realize I am in someways admonishing myself regarding my own poetry. Half the fun of this board I suppose, listening to your own advice lol.