FreeWrights Peer Review™

Only rarely a soul might find
A shape as dear and heart so kind,
A woman’s being as well-disposed,
As yours are to mine.

What's more! that a woman's form and soul,
Like angels’ elements,
Should glimmer and reverberate
With the subdued brilliance
Of a creature hallowed
And near to what's divine,

While I should be so graced
To notice that vague immortal trace
That sits anonymously on your figure;
To dwell in its shimmer, graced,
Amid our everyday discourse and simple pace,
Breathless, buoyant, and charmed








[font=Arial] [/font]

Are you looking for help, or is it just an exercise to rewrite? If you are looking to polish this up, put it in the Broiler, where Mor, Leanne or others who might have expertise in metered and rhyming poetry can help.

wec, I reckon this one is best rewritten as either a sonnet (given the subject matter and the lyricism) or perhaps a kyrielle or other repeating form like a quaterne. In case you're not familiar, a kyrielle is:

a/b/a/B a/b/a/B a/b/a/B etc (or any other ab rhyme scheme, like couplets, as long as it's consistent quatrains)

and a quaterne is:

A/b/a/b b/A/b/a a/b/A/b b/a/b/A (or any other ab rhyming quatrains as long as that first line repeats in the shifting pattern so that it's 1st in the first stanza, 2nd in the 2nd, 3rd in the 3rd and 4th in the 4th -- cool eh?)

As your poem is now, you're drifting dangerously close to diary poetry kind of cliche. It really needs structure to lift it.