FreeWrights Peer Review™

This is how our love will be (revised again)


I'm seldom sure just where you are in this settling house—too big now,
too hollow for two. We share less often our destinations; our wants
direct us to different rooms, and once there I imagine no need

to renew our vows. You’ll think of me as you rearrange your signature
bouquet—rosemary and zinnias; I’ll fall into your nana's chair and
open a book of your poems—fanning its pages, stopping for dog-ears.

As one we’ll smile at the tick-tink rhythm of laundered buttons and snaps.
(There are always things to dry and put away.) An August rain thrums
our windows, and someone on the radio sings: This is how our love will be.






This is how our love will be (revised)


I'm never sure just where you are in this settling house—too big now,
too hollow for two. We share less often our destinations; our wants
direct us to different rooms, and once there we’ll seldom feel

inspired to voice a reason. I slump into your nana's chair, opening
a book of your poems, fanning its pages, stopping for dog ears.

And in the tick-tink rhythm from laundered buttons and snaps
(there will always be things to dry and put away)
someone on the radio sings: This is how our love will be.



How our love will be


I'm never sure just where you are in this settling house—
too big now, too hollow for two. We share less often
our destinations; our wants direct us to different rooms,
and once there we keep words for matters more pressing

than acknowledgement. Opening a book of your poems
I slump into your nana's chair, turning pages reluctantly
and in no particular order. With the tick-tink rhythm

from laundered buttons and snaps—I suppose
there will always be things to dry and put away—
someone on the radio sings: This is how our love will be.

Allen. S1, I like the sounds and the structure
S2 is choppy, at least to my ear

mainly

,turning pages reluctantly
and in no particular order

you could dump ‘reluctantly and’

or try something like
‘turning pages without reading’
of course then you’d have to rework ‘with the tick tink rhythm

The close is appropriate but I thought it was shop worn
so I googled and can’t find anything similar
so I guess it is appropriate and original

Thanks for the read

Yeah, k, I almost had myself convinced that the telling was necessary--adverbs are almost always telling and usually unnecessary--and a four count one at that. I'm searching for a stronger verb, like dragging.

Thanks for not letting me kid myself.

Allen

have a few minutes and wanted to throw a couple things for you to review:


I am never sure where you are in this settling house—


something bothers me about the "different rooms" and the "acknowledgment"
combo. why would there be acknowledgments (which is the more Americanized spelling) if you are in different rooms?


I slump into your leather chair, flip through pages randomly
for no particular reason. With the tick-tink rhythm

The "just" improves the rhythm, but also tweaks the meaning: I might only know an approximate location, like upstairs.

I see your point about the acknowledgement, Steve.

And thanks for the suggestion.

Allen

Thanks again for the help. I hope you'll all find this version easier on the eyes and ears.

Allen

Something has dinged my bell in the revision. It now seems to be only half the story. The feel and mood is right, but only half of the characters seem to give a damn. Where is she? What is she doing, not consciously, that shows us she is thinking about the N? N is stopping at the dog ears, that says he is thinking of her. I don't know, but maybe she can be clipping coupons and flips back to the beer ad. Hopefully you get the point here.

Something has dinged my bell in the revision. It now seems to be only half the story. The feel and mood is right, but only half of the characters seem to give a damn. Where is she? What is she doing, not consciously, that shows us she is thinking about the N? N is stopping at the dog ears, that says he is thinking of her. I don't know, but maybe she can be clipping coupons and flips back to the beer ad. Hopefully you get the point here. I don't want to be left hanging. Maybe the experts will say that is the gist of a good poem, but masses want a little more.

For quite a while I was reluctant to listen to your bell, Steve. I really believed that half of the story was enough. At the same time, I didn't like how it was seen by too many readers--as a sad story. I needed to change the tone and was able to do that (I believe) by using your suggestion, after all. Don't ask me how I thought I could write a love poem without including my wife! Hopefully I'll remember this lesson. Thanks a bunch, Steve.

Allen

Seems fine and dandy to me. One little niggle--howse about summer in place of August. That sounds a ton better with thrums. Then It is IBPC ready, if you are.

You're right. Summer goes well with thrums. I do want to allude to late summer, though. Maybe I'll spend a modifier: a late summer rain.

Thank you.

Allen