FreeWrights Peer Review™

boys playing with bricks
bum cracks smashing into the sky--

yachts dawdle, sail off the edge
of this edgeless world

I crawl into a cubby-hole
like a dog wagering his death
with the dirt

this parlay; life,
has got me flowering for the funeral
and dressed to suit--

naked, ashamed,
curled into a paper ball.

a little cryptique, but, frankly, more good than cryptique. only thing I might suggest is a word other than edgeless, since edge is used just above it, or maybe leave it and think about changing edge.

"yachts dawdle, sail off into the sun;
world dropping, dripping..."

maybe that would be suited?
thanks bluejay.

I don't know that you need to change both, unless it suits you. Maybe just the second line.


The forums are slow. We may be the only people left at this one!