FreeWrights Peer Review™

[Eschatology]


The wanderers—
they are not dispossessed,
for they never possessed.
They know no other way.

A tawny orb rises
far above a troubled World.
Muted red sheets of light
stream down through branches
and lie shattered among
the ruins.

Upon the universe lies
the weight of many doings.
The grand, founded on the base,
disintegrates,
like in a Mahler symphony.

The triumph and the end
of our entropy.
I am awake:
I know these matters.

You're very versatile, Cam. Lucky you, you aren't obsessively rewriting the same poem.
I like the simple language in the first strophe. Your narrator speaks with authority. (Powerful voice.) The 2nd strophe impresses me less. I don't think it's necessary. The third strophe is kind of okay, but I don't like the reference to the Mahler symphony. It seems too easy. Dig deeper for your analogy. The final stanza is as striking as the first. Now I have a question about your shift from 3rd person plural, to first person plural to first person singular (they>we>I). I think you should try to use two personal pronouns instead of three.

Interesting poem. I also like the fact that it's compact.
Oops! Is this critique supportive enough? Isn't honest as good or better than supportive? I didn't want this poem to continue waiting forlornly, so I jumped in.

Thanks much for commenting, bF. Though this poem isn't as forlorn as all that: I posted it on Poets.org this Monday, so it's gotten a certain amount of attention.

In fact, it's been kind of controversial. As near as I can tell, the problem with it is it has too much variety. For example, you didn't like the s2 and thought it could be dropped or changed, but some other people think it's the best part and the rest could be dropped or changed. Right at the moment I don't really want to change anything, except perhaps make the 'they' in s1 into 'we.'

When poets just wrote alone in a garret they didn't have to worry about whose advice to take. :razz:

Cam, I'm happy I stumbled upon this in my bemused wandering through dusty passageways. I'm not sure what you've done with this piece in the intervening months, but I thought quite strong and do not find myself overly concerned at the variety of elements. You are, after all, discussing "many doings".

I thought S2 was a little crowded with modifiers (eg "muted red sheets of light") and "tawny orb" is bordering on cliche, but the image itself is probably quite necessary to the poem.

Additionally I'm not worried by the shifting pronouns -- you have used them carefully and the contrast between "they" and "I" is profound. I do think your simile in the third stanza is a bit weak -- not the idea itself, but the actual use of simile, which makes it a bit wordy and does not hit as hard as I think it ought. I'd suggest getting rid of the "like" and using "(something) in a Mahler symphony" (my technical terms are somewhat lacking).

Poets who wrote alone in garrets generally had opium to keep them company -- we just have lots of dopes :)

Leanne, my brain is not working properly today, but please accept this rose as a general way of saying how awesome you are.

Merci beaucoup, I shall sniff it with cautious gratitude.

Hello,

I like something about this, but as a newbie I am at a loss to get my little brain round the nuance and metaphors. But I still like it

TC
jim

I must be missing something because I'm
not sure why this would be considered
controversial.

Let me offer a few suggestions for you to consider
though, I know I can't join in with the praise
because I don't have a clue as to what this poem
is trying to say.


The wanderers—
they are not dispossessed,
for they never possessed.
They know no other way.

The opening takes a long time to say what it says.
But then it doesn't say it. No other way than what?
To be possessed? Or not? And possessed by what?

A tawny orb rises
far above a troubled World.
Muted red sheets of light
stream down through branches
and lie shattered among
the ruins.

Now we've left the "wanderers" and are
in outer space. But I'm not sure what is happening.
How are their branches (trees?) far above
a trouble world, or am I reading that right?

Upon the universe lies
the weight of many doings.
The grand, founded on the base,
disintegrates,
like in a Mahler symphony.

Complete abstraction here except for the name
of the symphony. What doings? Last sentence
makes no sense.

The triumph and the end
of our entropy.
I am awake:
I know these matters.

Again, complete confusion. A dream?

Who triumphed? What matters?

I'm sorry I can't sound more positive
but I feel like I just escaped from a space
tumbler with no clue as to where I am.

The last stanza is fantastic verbally and rhythmically, and together with the previous one, it captures a masterpiece of an idea. I don't think S2 is necessary. everything works without it, and the rest is so much cleaner. and--while I like the orb image, and it does add something to the content indeed-- it seems to me to interject a bit of.. maybe haughtiness, or something like that (not that you meant it that way!) The last two lines capture the sense of enlightenment and detachment much better-- the gravity and the vision-- but strike a humbler and more profound tone that works a lot better for me.