FreeWrights Peer Review™

Earl Gray
(not a haikup)

Original

afternoon refresh
evening leaves cool
in flower garden
...........................

New

liquid calm
old leaves soft
in flower garden

.

I've been toying with these short, haiku, minimalist pieces lately. Kind of refreshing to try and say lots in so little. This one begs to have a bit more in the middle line, both for content and rhythm.

It is clunky and misses a beat, but at least i have the title right now.

It's exceedingly difficult to leave a lasting impression with just three lines. I am not seeing or feeling this; I would tell you why if I knew. I'll try anyway:
Refresh seems shortened for the sake of shortening. Refreshment wouldn't be good, but maybe refreshes? No, I think any version is just too telling.
Evening leaves has potential, and I don't know what the perfect verb would be (fall? drop?) but cool leaves me cold. I wish I could be of more help.
You say this is not meant to be haiku; okay, but being so short, its needs are very similar to that of haiku: nothing can be wasted; each line must stand on its own.
For what it's worth, I think the concept is a good one or I wouldn't leave a crit that's so much longer than the poem.

Allen

Allen. Except for a dictionary definition of the form, I honestly don’t know what constitutes a haiku in English.
Many thanks for your ponderings.

perhaps a good title:

A Haiku Hiccup

it's nice enough but I wanted to know where the tea went?
I'm not sure it's missing a beat of any kind,but the
content is rather bland, cool flowers, evening....
like a weather report. It needs something unique
very badly.

Kayv wrote:it's nice enough but I wanted to know where the tea went?
I'm not sure it's missing a beat of any kind,but the
content is rather bland, cool flowers, evening....
like a weather report. It needs something unique
very badly.

Kayv
The tea was yucky, i poured it on the garden and made coffee instead.
I appreciate the comment even if the poem didn't work for you
thanks,
and cheers

k