FreeWrights Peer Review™

One night
one road, two headlights
one wallaby. Two bounds
too late - two thumps
one last leap. Two steps
one look, two shudder.
One dies.


.......................................


one night
one road two lights
one wallaby two bounds
too late two thumps
one jump two steps
one look two shudders
one death

The structure and poetic meter of the poem is rigid and deliberte which shows that you have chosen your words very carefully and with your craft in mind. The repetition of one, two is working well through most of the poem. The effect is that it feels like the rythm of an asphalt road as a car drives over it. This links back to the content of the poem very well.

That said, "too late" and "one last leap" are disrupting both the structure and the flow of the poem. Restore the word "one" to line three (you'll of course have to change the word late).

To me, "one last leap" is too many syllables for where you have placed it.

I can see where the first two lines and the last two lines are framing the middle two lines and mimicking the timeline of the poem. The rhythm and meter of the first two and the last two lines match. This makes the asymetrical meter and rhythm of the middle two lines seem to be deliberate, as though the middle of the poem is trying to mimick the disrupted driving and the killing of the animal.

I would say that if this is what you are shooting for, your current word selection is not working hard enough. If you are going to break away from the rhthym of the rest of the poem do so in a way that matches the craftmanship that is so evident in the rest of the poem. Do not rely on rhyme and rhthym alone. Choose words that will evoke the death of the animal not just with their meaning but also with the sound that they have:

one swerve - too late
two thumps. two feet.
two steps. no retreat.

Again, this is just a suggestion which itself probably could use a workshop. Please see my comments as something to consider rather that a change that should be done for the sake of the work.

M_R

Good crit mullato_raver.

, two bounds
too –late – two thumps
one last leap

I was hoping the irregular sound would mimic the accident, it does in my ear, but apparently only in my ear, thanks for pointing that out.
The wallaby did actually do a last leap, so I will try and show as much another way.


I can see where the first two lines and the last two lines are framing the middle two lines and mimicking the timeline of the poem. The rhythm and meter of the first two and the last two lines match. This makes the asymetrical meter and rhythm of the middle two lines seem to be deliberate, as though the middle of the poem is trying to mimick the disrupted driving and the killing of the animal.

Yes, exactly what I was attempting, and hoping the one to one, me on it, would come through.

one swerve - too late
two thumps. two feet.
two steps. no retreat.

I like the 'no retreat', emotionally.
It happened, it's real, there is no going back.

Your reply is invaluable in terms of working on this again.

Many thanks for the time you have spent , Definitely Appreciated.

k

ken,

first of all, this will sound horrible, but how appropriate is it for a bunch of roadkill wallby meat to be posted in the Doggy Bag?

I think this is a piece that begs to have no caps and no punctuation. let the poem do the work.

Anyhow, jumping to my other thoughts on this:

one night
one road two lights
one wallaby two bounds
too late two thumps
one jump two steps
one look two shudders
one death

I like the rawness bluejay
but i'm wondering if it just turns into a word jumble.

thanks
k