FreeWrights Peer Review™

Bandit Nights


I am tired of this monotonous, sedentary
afternoon in which long-faced gentlemen vociferate
their ignorance of the Afghan war.

Dazed afternoon under the scorching sun
watching a mangy dog get up off the floor unconcerned
with the child who just got shot by its side.

I want to emigrate, find nights sharpened by the owl’s eye,
nights full of bandits and consumptive whores.
I want to crumple up like the wasp’s neurosis on my bed.

Oh, outlet city... how was it that my verses were born
in this ferocious village? What empty lines did I mistake
for an oasis, dark-dense people full of shady passions?



Bandit Nights - 2nd version



I am tired
of this monotonous,
sedentary afternoon
in which long-faced gentlemen
vociferate their ignorance
of the Afghan war.

Dazed afternoon
under the scorching sun
watching a mangy dog
get up off the floor
unconcerned with the child
who just got shot
by its side.

I want to emigrate,
find nights sharpened by
the owl’s eye,
nights full of bandits
and consumptive whores.
I want to crumple up
like the wasp’s neurosis
on my bed.

Oh, outlet city,
how is it that my verses
are born in this ferocious
village? What empty lines
did I mistake for an oasis,
dark-dense people
full of shady passions?

S2 is a source of confusion for me. Are the dog and the child in Afghanistan or in the longed-for village? Or are they in the immediate present? If a child has been shot, I’d think that we're already in bandit territory.

I much admire the duality of outlet city, and the metaphor in this desire for ferocity over monotony.

Allen

"longed for village"? It is quit the opposit Allen, the village (or city) is despised because of its warful nature, both over seas and at home (like with the drug wars). We live in a violent society.

thank you,

sergio

I want to emigrate, find nights sharpened by the owl’s eye,
nights full of bandits and consumptive whores.

This sounds like longing to me; I failed to recognize it as an improvement over the present situation. Perhaps I'll be the only one who misunderstands

Allen

Or perhaps a longing for sexual encounters, excitment, friendship. The end of that stanza the narrator finds relief from his neurosis on the bed.

my only comment is whether there is a need for this:

unconcerned with the child
who just got shot
by its side.

It just seems to be so out of place in the poem.

I actually wanted to have the dog shake the dirt off its hide after it heard the gunshot but I did not know how to do that with just a few words. The object is to show how animals are not phased by war and neither are we. But shouldn't we be shaken up by it? Thank you bluejay.

Sergio