FreeWrights Peer Review™

At Day’s End



She drove a blue Kawasaki
and offered him a ride home.
She acted like a war veteran,
patrol skills learned on city streets.
The blood on her boots
made his lower lip twitch.

Her ivory skin and black eyes
contrasted his dark olive tan.
He too had been at war;
a reservoir of damaged thoughts
flooded his nerve ends to cool him.

She was his secret as much
as he was hers. They drank
and danced until dawn,
found a street vendor and ate
before going their separate ways.
He snuck back home like a war criminal
ordered to assassinate his memories.

She left, her dream drowned
at the trench of uncertainty.

I wonder if her waist expanded
another five inches like his,
or if her hair grayed faster?

the woman full if strength

full 'of' strength you mean?
it was nice going through.past and present blended well,mm?good piece of work.
jain.

Thank you Jain, thank you.

Sergio

Hello Sergio

I have previously read this over at Wild Poetry Forum. The narrative captures the reader with good details throughout but reads a bit too much like a short story than a poem. I wonder if in revising, you might be able to ramp up the poetry and make it more satisfactory from that aspect than that it continue to seem more of a story? Just a thought. Good luck.

Chris

Thank you Chris. I am glad you like the details.

Sergio

You could get away with dropping your first line. The current second line is more eye-catching, and the offered ride implies a new encounter.

I really like the weave of concrete and less substantial images, but I am confused by the list of characters near the end.

Allen

You are right Allen. I deleted that line thank you. In another forum someone wanted to know what some of those memories were, I thought I might include a few memories, but I am no sure that they are needed. Let me know and I will delete that stanza. Thank you Allen.

Sergio

I wouldn't argue over the value of memories, it's just that the list didn't come across (to me) as memories. A colon after memories might eliminate--at least alleviate--the potential for confusion.

Thank you Allen. I am going to set this one aside until I can work on it further. It is in need of poetic devices. Those memories are important too. It might end up as another Flash Fiction story. I alreqady have one, this would be my second, if i work on it. Thank you Allen.

Sergio

really nice close.....I would expand more on the dancing and drinking.....you give us details earlier I would continue with that