FreeWrights Peer Review™

Survivors

Little girl in a wombat hole
ashen faced and still alive.
Seven goldfish in a pond
watch the moon rise high.
A woman paddles with her dog
the car is six feet under.

The sun continues
somewhat diminished.
A better part of it
has fallen on the Gippsland.

.......................................

Survivors

Little girl in a wombat hole
ashen faced and still alive.
Seven goldfish in a pond
watch the moon rise high.
A woman paddles with her dog
the car is six feet under.
None shall ever sing again
until the mountains thunder.
.............................................
.............................................

Choices

awareness a knifepoint
white hot in every touch of steel on char
i am a star
until the mercy comes

don’t go!

stay safe inside this unsleep
with all my friends

out there
the ones in white
they can’t decide

closer
another whispers…

again i feel the heat.

Ken,

Interesting piece, the first one. I can't help but want to finish S1 with something, i.e.,

Little girl in a wombat hole
ashen faced and still alive.
Seven goldfish in a pond
watch the moon rise high.
A woman paddles with her dog
the car is six feet under.
None shall ever sing again
until the mountains thunder.


or something. It begs to rhyme on out.

You just about nailed it bluejay.
the sun won’t be restored until it rains again
thanks

k

Ken, the starkness of the images really work well, especially in "Survivors". In "Choices", although "white hot" ties in with "ones in white", I kind of cringe from the "white hot" cliche. I do love your gentle rhymes in that piece though, and I'm just being pedantic I think. Nothing's going to really capture such a moment completely but you've certainly done what justice words can manage.

Bloody well won't stop raining here though :)

Leanne you are too kind to have found only one major bluck in Choices. I had begun to think it was eminently deleteable.
There might be hope for the poor thing after all.

Your comments on both poems are appreciated
k

this is really nice, loved it.

Sergio

Sergio.
Your comment is appreciated.
Apologies for taking so long to reply.